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Artist Profiles: The Laziest Men On Mars |
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We are here to protect you from the terrible secret of The Laziest Men on Mars, the musical group
that defies a common definition and has changed the way that people think about grandma in the
process. The Laziest Men on Mars are actually from Kansas City, Missouri, which despite its geographical
closeness to the red planet, mainly fails to churn out the same quality of music that one can find
in your nearest elevator. That is, of course, until the Lazy Men have their way with you. Already cult
classics, this group has made a reasonably successful go out of space-trance-rock and cryptic lyrics.
Perhaps their biggest single to date, "The Terrible Secret of Space", is a hypnotic epic that
has gained such acclaim that a popular Flash movie was created, products were sold, and dozens
of clueless people starting chanting "pak. chooie. unf." in its honour. It tells the story of the
pusher robot (who enjoys shoving) and the shover robot (who enjoys pushing) as they come
to earth and protect the legions of people from (go figure) the terrible secret of space.
This is not
an easy process, and involves both shoving bread down people's throats,
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and pushing snow on top of
grandma. This is difficult to comprehend, but all makes sense when compared to Tuesday specials
at Walmart.
This is one of those songs from one of those bands that has both inspired, and horrified people. A random
sampling of thoughts on the band's impact reveals the following: "I know what I don't like, and I don't don't like them",
says Kelly, a young koala bear from the Midwest. "Pak chooie unf. Pak chooie unf. Pak chooie unf unf unf unf" says Eric,
a slightly dysfunctional luzer from North Carolina, in a fit of rage that sounds eerily familar. Richard says
that "the song sucks", but who listens to Richard? We say
"who needs ketchup when you have pickled moose meat with Louisiana hot sauce with a side of cream", if that's
any help.
If you can't seem to handle the terrible secret that this band lays down on "The Terrible Secret of Space", ask
yourself one serious question: "do you have stairs in your house"? We thought not, but it's quite okay, as long as
your trousers extend below your rubber boots. Other classics to check out include "Nothing Can Stop Torg!" and
"Invasion of the Gabber Robots", but our hearts will always lie in the snow with grandma.
By Dave Brosha, CanEHdian.com
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